In a previous blog, I told the story of my introduction to pornography at a young age and how it set the stage for years of addiction to porn and sexual fantasy. What follows is the continuation of that story and where I find myself today.
A Double Life
I was living two lives. I was the good Christian boy, active in church and part of the worship team. Everyone who knew me also knew about my faith and thought I was the “goody, goody” kid who did no wrong. Yet in my mind and in my private moments, I was leading a very different life. Lust, fantasy, and masturbation were my constant friends. I was often seeking out sexual images in movies or in stolen glances through magazines in the local bookstore. When I was in college, I finally became old enough to purchase pornography, and this only furthered my addiction, starting a weekly cycle of using porn to feed my fantasies.
I didn’t understand at the time how I was shaping my understanding of men, women, sex, and my own beliefs about who I was as a man and a child of God.
Warped View of the World
My ongoing usage of pornography had instilled an extremely warped view of the world around me. I viewed everyone through the filter of my sexually addicted mind. “I wonder what he/she looks like without clothes on?” or “I’d like to see those two having sex.” These thoughts were with me regularly.
My own self-esteem and self-image worsened throughout this time as well. I could never measure up to the men in the porn I watched. They had perfect bodies. I didn’t have six-pack abs, large biceps, or any of the “other” extraordinary features they possessed. The women I saw in porn were just as “over the top” as the men. I could never please a woman sexually the way the men in these movies did. The women were treated like objects to be used by men. I was unable to envision myself dominating a woman in this way. This is what sex was supposed to be like, or so it seemed. Because of the negative way I viewed myself, it was much easier for me to imagine being used by the men in a sexually degrading way.
My relationship with God became mostly about confession of sin. Most of the time, I felt so ashamed that I didn’t think I could approach Him. I felt my sin was too dark and too bad for God to love me. When I couldn’t take the pain any longer, I would cry out in desperation to Him. Every prayer began the same way, “God, please forgive me for looking at pornography and masturbating…” I didn’t have energy or focus to worship God, because I was worshiping His creations, not Him.
Hope for Someone Struggling with Porn
I came to Where Grace Abounds for help in 1995. It was so refreshing to be in an environment where I could talk openly about my struggle with pornography. It has not been an easy journey. I wish I could say here that pornography is no longer a temptation and that I left it behind, never looking back. The reality is that after 10+ years of harboring a secret life and addiction, the steps out of that life have been difficult at times. I have had successes and failures along the way.
One of the most important things I’ve learned through this struggle is that God rarely “zaps” us and instantly delivers us from temptation. There are some who claim this has happened to them, and perhaps they are telling the truth. I prayed for years for an instant healing, and I placed all of my hope in that possibility. Now I know why God hasn’t swooped in and rescued me in that way. At a root level, my struggles and temptations indicate a legitimate need for connection. Through the things which I was exposed to at an early age and the choices I made in the years following, I was seeking an illegitimate avenue of meeting these true, God-given needs for relationship. If God simply removed my desire for pornography, He would also be removing something core that He created in each of us: our need for other people.
I was so relieved to learn that I did not have to be perfect to be loved by God. Struggling with sexual sin does not disqualify me from being in relationship with Christ. He died for all of my sins, including pornography, fantasy, and lust.
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