I often say at our Thursday Night drop in group—“if you’re breathing, chances are you’ve been abused.” As we grow up, we are vulnerable at young ages, and that vulnerability has left us open to possible exploitation. Have you ever been verbally abused? Labeled with degrading names or made to feel worthless by the awful things someone has said. Have you ever been emotionally mistreated by someone’s anger or by punishing silences? Perhaps it’s nothing so tangible, but you were left on your own and feeling invisible through neglect. And then there is harmful physical or sexual abuse. All of these various kinds of wounds and the residue of shame they leave behind can take a toll on our hearts and lives.
Identifying the Impact of Sexual Abuse
I know personally how these wounds have influenced how I feel as a person and how they have impacted my sexuality. They left me feeling insecure and inadequate as a man and confused about my orientation. I’ve been uncomfortable in my body and fearful of intimacy. I’ve been left with negative and distorted views of sex. All things God wants to heal and has healed through many years of counseling and involvement in the Where Grace Abounds community. But where does one begin in this process of restoration, untangling the giant mess caused by the offenses of others and my own poor choices in response?
Wendy Maltz in her book The Sexual Healing Journey explores the sexual impact of abuse on the many facets of our sexuality. By taking several inventories, the reader is encouraged to a greater understanding of which areas have been affected, how they are influencing the present, and pinpoints what areas are in need of healing. The following are the inventories available:
1. Attitudes About Sex
Sexual abuse generates negative, false attitudes about sex. These become hidden from your consciousness. You may have difficulty separating abusive sex from healthy sex. Victims can be imprinted with an abusive way of thinking about sex, a sexual abuse mind-set. This mind-set can affect every aspect of a survivor’s sexuality: sexual drive, sexual expression, sex roles, intimate relationships, knowledge of sexual functioning, and sense of morality. How have you been affected by this abuse mind-set?
2. Sexual Self-Concept
Sexual abuse, and its consequences, can unconsciously influence how you feel about yourself and about sex. You may now see yourself as sexually damaged, suffering a poor sexual self-concept. Or you may have developed a self-concept that is inflated, where you believe you’re more powerful as a result of sex. Knowing how you view yourself as a sexual person is fundamental to eventually making changes in your sexual behavior.
3. Automatic Reactions to Touch and Sex
Sexual abuse can create a conditioned way of reacting to touch and sex. Some survivors get panicky, avoid sexual possibilities, and want to run the other way when sexually approached. Others freeze and feel helpless and unable to protect themselves. Still others get overexcited and may recklessly seek dangerous sexual encounters.
4. Problematic Sexual Behavior
Sexual abuse can shatter our capacity for healthy sex. You may have been taught abusive patterns of sexual behavior and introduced to unhealthy, compulsive, abnormal sexual activities. Now as a reaction you may associate your sexual expression with secrecy and shame. Some survivors may withdraw from sex, preventing any fresh discovery of healthy sex. Other survivors may become preoccupied and driven by sex. Sometimes survivors reenact the abuse in an unconscious attempt to resolve deep-seated emotional conflict related to the original abuse. These reactions need to be identified so you can better understand your behavior and eventually work toward healthy changes.
5. Intimate Relationships
Sexual abuse influences a survivor’s ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships. Abuse can interfere with our ability to make good choices. Some survivors may have difficulty selecting partners who are emotionally supportive. Other survivors may be unable to trust and feel safe with intimate partners who do care. Survivors may fear intimacy or have a limited capacity to experience closeness. The sexual difficulties a survivor may have as a result of abuse often create emotional and sexual problems for the partner. Knowing where relationship difficulties lie, and how abuse has caused problems, can help you work with your partner.
6. Sexual Functioning Problems
Sexual abuse can create specific problems with sexual functioning. Abuse may have taught you unhealthy patterns of responding to sexual stimulation. Stress and anxiety that originated with abuse may continue to shadow your sexual activity. Over time these sexual problems interfere with intimacy and long-term sexual satisfaction. As you identify problem areas in how you function sexually now, you are also identifying specific sexual concerns to work on in the healing process.
For Your Consideration
Wendy’s book is not written from a Christian perspective. Where Grace Abounds does not recommend all the philosophy and approaches offered in her material. As Christians, we are encouraged and exhorted to wrestle with the realities of our sexuality according to the boundaries we are given within scripture.
Also, it’s never recommended to be a lone ranger in your healing process. Relationships and community are needed for support and to facilitate change and growth. When engaging any material regarding abuse and sexual abuse, it is helpful to do that in a counseling, pastoral care or support group environment.
For more information on Wendy Maltz’s material see here. For more about getting involved in a support group at Where Grace Abounds, check out the Services page of our website.
There are many people who were sexually abused that I did not know about for many years, some of which were my grade school friends. Additionally, I had very close male and female high school friends who struggled with their sexual identity and we never talked about it with each other. In some cases I disclosed to them and they still never told me. Surprisingly to me, it was nearly half of every close friend I had. The shame I felt was overwhelming, so I can only imagine how they must have been feeling too because of keeping such a secret. I can relate to each of these areas, and over time, some or most of them have improved dramatically.
The beginning of that process of healing was remembering my abuse after 32 years of amnesia. I am completely sexually attracted to women now and partially attracted to the physical body of a man, which can seem confusing. The difference is difference is that I have an intense admiration, jealousy and general attraction to some males, but I’m not aroused by them. I would like to date and marry a woman but I still struggle with some fear of rejection. Now, the most difficult struggle is that I am 45 and I fear it is too late to have children because I am too old to enjoy raising them or I may die before they are very old. I could be 50 before having a child is possible.
I say all of this to encourage others, not that they will become opposite-sex attracted, but that they can enjoy the benefits of healing in these areas. There is hope, even at a later age such as I am. I also want to stress that shame was my major difficulty and a large contributor towards some of my social and mental handicaps. I now wholeheartedly believe that whether I am attracted to women or men has no bearing on my salvation, my worth to God or my usefulness and value to society. I stopped placing an importance on my attractions and more importance on improving my social skills and working on my mental health. The shame dissipated and I am able to talk freely about my attractions and mental health struggles without shame or fear of the consequences of being judged by others (as this does happen from time-to-time).
By the time I left WGA, I had little hope for having an improved quality of life or healing and eventually became suicidal for a few years recently. Despite my seemingly lack of hope, I started counseling, remained in as much connection with God as I could (while being honest about my feelings towards Him which WGA encourad) and joined a Men’s ministry that gave me intensive social and healing opportunities with men twice a week. I committed myself to being boldly transparent and honest with myself and shared openly. It was truly the opportunity I needed because I was not only accepted by those men, but admired for my courage and loved immensely as I went through it.
I recommend this honesty and transparency to anyone who is struggling with some of these symptoms mentioned in this article, and WGA was the start of that process for me. I think it is an amazing ministry for learning about concepts that can be applied to any person’s life, whether same-sex-attracted or not. The ways I am affected by my abuse, life events and my reactions to them are universally the same as anyone like me. I think the key to how WGA is successful is that relationships are the focus for healing and not necessarily “fixing” a person’s sexuality. While someone may not like their attractions or behavior, I believe it is not the reason they struggle with other things mentioned in this article. While no one understands the cause of same-sex-attraction, and whether the cause is the same or different for each of us, the cause is not important for healing in those other ways that affect our quality of life. I think WGA has taught me this too, and helped me redirect my attention towards what I CAN change, such as my behavior, thoughts and values. Thank you staff for all of your hard work, dedication and loyalty to this ministry. I hope it continues to change, grow and flourish for many continued years.