For many of us, the idea of befriending our anxiety would be akin to befriending the quicksand that we feel ourselves sinking into. How can we ever learn to accept and appreciate something like anxiety when all it has ever done is make us feel miserable and out of control?
In my opinion, the first step towards befriending anxiety begins with understanding it. Have you ever wondered why human beings experience anxiety? While anxiety does have a bad reputation it is also a universal human experience that is hardwired into our DNA. Whether we like it or not, our anxiety has a purpose.
Anxiety, at its core, is a biological alarm system designed to notify us of a perceived threat. When we are extremely anxious our brain descends into fight or flight mode. As a part of instinctual survival, when we perceive a threat our best possible options are to fight the danger or to run away from it as fast as possible.
This would all be perfectly fine if human beings were still living in an era where survival was literally dependent on your ability to fight or run. In the modern era however, we are more likely to experience threats like midterm exams or uncomfortable conversations with coworkers. Anxiety has evolved over millennia so that it can be triggered by emotional and existential threats as well as threats of physical danger.
This may seem like a malfunction of evolution, an obsolete system of alarm that is now causing chaos and havoc in our modern lives. However, I believe that anxiety has adapted to the new modern standards of survival and at its best functions to keep us in alignment with our values and beliefs.
This theory of anxiety operates under the assumption that there are at least three unique types of anxiety:
- Existential Anxiety– This is the anxiety associated with being alive. Our fear of death, our questioning of reality and why things happen. This type of anxiety plays an essential role in our pursuit of meaning in life because without questions we would never seek answers.
- Motivational/Moral Anxiety– This anxiety identifies when we are behaving in a way that is inconsistent with our values. If being truthful is important to us, this anxiety will arise when we tell a lie. The theory of conscience could be attributed to this type of anxiety as it is foundational the development of our moral code and idealized sense of self.
- Neurotic Anxiety– This is the type of anxiety that gets the most attention. Neurotic anxiety is attributed to anxiety disorders. This anxiety can develop due to several factors: genetic predispositions, imbalances in brain chemistry, trauma, etc. Unlike the two previous types of anxiety, the anxiety is purely symptomatic and indicates that there is an underlying cause that needs to be addressed.
Understanding which type of anxiety we are experiencing means that we can respond to them appropriately. Each of the three types expresses a specific and essential need to resolve the anxious feelings and grow from the experience.
- The essential need for Existential Anxiety is to pursue answers and meaning.
- The essential need for Motivational/Moral Anxiety is to change either our values or our behaviors until they are in alignment.
- The essential need for Neurotic Anxiety is to address the underlying causes and to develop healthy coping strategies.
The key to befriending our anxiety lies in our ability to respond to these essential needs. When we give our anxiety what it is asking for we accomplish more than an end to anxious feelings. We grow closer to our idealized selves, we mature and develop resiliency each time we come out on the other side.
To be able to identify which type of anxiety we are experiencing we must learn to listen to what it is telling us. Awareness will follow a willingness to view our anxiety as the messenger rather than the enemy.
Imagine anxiety as the check engine light on a car. If we ignore the light, cover it up, or continue driving we risk causing even more danger to our vehicle. The same is true of our anxiety, if all of our effort is placed on turning off the feeling without discovering the cause, we not only deny ourselves the opportunity for growth, but we risk causing ourselves more damage in the long run.
My hope is that you would be willing to give your anxiety a voice. Allow it the opportunity to express its needs so that you can respond in kind.
The path to friendship can be difficult, but well worth the effort.
This article originally appeared on the Khesed blog in October of 2017.
Phil Stockton, MA, LPCC, NCC is a psychotherapist and Colorado native with seven and a half years of experience in the mental health field in a variety of professional settings. He has worked extensively with adolescents and adults coping with trauma, abuse, and mental health disorders. His professional experience extends to adults with addictions, victims of crime, LGBTQ+, spirituality, couples counseling, and coping with chronic illness. Phil is especially passionate about working with issues of meaning and purpose in life and utilizes unique interventions with clients to tackle these concerns. Phil obtained his Bachelor of Arts in Human Services from MSU Denver and his Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Denver Seminary. He also served as an intern with Where Grace Abounds. Phil is passionate about urban farming and gardening and has traveled the world with his wife visiting and working on farms in Europe and the UK.
Phil can be contacted here.
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