40th Anniversary Reflections: Jesus Calling

Early One Saturday Morning…

It was a warm Autumn Saturday morning around 8:00ish, which is way too early to be awake on a weekend, by the way. I was standing near the back entrance of a church waiting for Mary to arrive.  The first WGA offices were graciously offered in the basement of the Bond of Love Church, close to downtown Denver.  It’s also where we had our Thursday Night Support group. I was very excited because it was my first day doing some administrative work as a volunteer for the ministry.

I had been coming to Where Grace Abounds for a couple of years or so in that Autumn of 1990 and getting more connected. One thing that struck an emotional chord for me during this time was how God called Mary into this kind of work. She had met a very distressed young man at a conference who was suicidal due to his same sex attraction. Mary, not knowing how to intervene, shot up a prayer. God’s audible response was a familiar biblical passage from Matthew— “whatever you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to Me.” What? The Lord is identifying with a young, distressed gay man?  Only negative and shaming things were usually said about my homosexuality. If this was the compassionate God who audibly spoke to Mary—I was sold.

Mary suddenly arrived with her trademark coffee in hand, and my admin training began.  At first, I was able to volunteer in the office twice a week.  This would eventually lead to more--facilitating small groups on Thursdays, attending a couple speaking gigs and grabbing meals with group members. In 1992, I joined the Staff.  Now here I am reminiscing on 40 years.  Here’s a few “lessons learned” God has shown me along the way.

How Will I Financially Survive?

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

“You’re doing what???”  This was my parents’ response when I told them I was leaving my mildly lucrative career to join the glamorous world of mission’s work. They didn’t get it and I don’t blame them really. Raising support only sounded like “begging for money” to them.  And boy, did they pull out all the stops. They yelled, they cried, they bargained, but I didn’t give in. I had a tent-making job helping a friend in the upholstery biz and was able to raise a bit of support—I was making a whopping $600 a month. Hmm, maybe they should have been worried.

The promise in the scripture above carried me through a tumultuous ministry life.  I was like, “Ok Father…I’ll focus on Your Kingdom and Righteousness, and I’ll have faith that You’ll provide the rest.” And He’s kept that promise. Not without some sacrifice on my part (like the lower salary), but God provided.  I had to give up my apartment and entered many gracious living situations with friends from WGA. One of which, was a friend who had HIV and I was able to be with him until he passed away in 1995. Meager meals, no insurance (which I don’t recommend) and buying a single cassette tape as my big monthly treat were all ways of stretching my small paycheck. For years we’ve been growing… stable salaries & insurance, and I even purchasing my own condo (at age 45)—thanks to our generous Father and faithful donors—thank you!  

The Joys and Woes of Community

“Then Jesus told His disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take ups his cross and follow Me.” Matthew 16:24

“Whew! We made it another night!” I’d exclaim after most every Thursday evening.  Think about it. We had a weekly meeting with men and women coming from all sorts of denominational backgrounds, including various wounds from growing up. Toss in an array of different sexual, emotional and relational struggles.  Add heavy teaching topics and our dear family members into the mix and whew!—this could be a recipe for disaster—but somehow, every Thursday it seemed to work.  And not only work, but folks felt a genuine sense of belonging, community and family—sounds like the church, huh?

But sadly, over the years, there was also pain that came from within our community.  Author Henri Nouwen says “Home is not always comfortable, and community is not easy. In every community the healing of acceptance happens and deep betrayals take place. Betrayal means to break trust…But it’s not just one person who does the betraying…In the eyes of others, I may be that person. Or you may be that person.”  Pain can happen for a variety of reasons in a ministry like WGA.  People leave the community for good and not so great reasons, which is sad.  There have been those throughout the decades who have misused the community setting. Instead of making it a safe space, it’s at times been sexualized and used to find a sexual or romantic relationship. There were close friends of the ministry who suddenly became our cruelest critics.

I use the above scripture passage to say that I’ve learned that “picking up your cross” happens in everyday life.  The hard work of confession, repentance, hard conversations and forgiveness are excruciating but can produce much fruit and deeper intimacy.

Redeemed Sexuality

“And He who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said “Write these things down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5

“Whaaa, poor me,” could enter and dominate my thoughts at times. I have felt a lot of grief over my sexuality throughout my lifetime—it’s never really been a good thing for me.  Early gender issues, confusing attractions and early sexual involvement led to poor choices. Those poor choices turned into sexual and substance abuse addictions and a load of life-lingering consequences.  I allowed seasons of healing grief over these things.  But there is a time to stop having the pity parties and move on.

One week recently, I had lunches/coffee with three WGA alum from years ago. Even though they’ve been in various places since they left WGA, each was a big blessing reconnecting with old friends.  Driving home from one of these delightful encounters, it finally occurred to me. These years of meaningful work, long-lasting relationships and sharing my personal story everywhere with God at the center of it all have purpose.  How better could Jesus redeem my sexuality??  It only took forty years to realize it, but I’m so, so grateful.

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