What Parents Need When Their Child Comes Out

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.  Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV

Our theme for topics in October at our Thursday night support group is “Understanding Sexual/Gender Identity and Same Sex Attraction. Coincidentally, October is also LGBTQ History Month and October 11^th is National Coming Out Day which first began being observed in 1988.  For someone experiencing attractions to the same sex or incongruences in gender identity, the pressure to “come out” can feel intense. I have many friends who are in various places of disclosure. Some are “out” completely to family and friends, while others decide to not share that part of their story.  I think disclosure is a very personal choice.

Yet, I do remember the night of my “coming out,” when I nervously admitted to my mom and dad—“I’m gay”. It was a chilly November evening in 1985. After a decade of internally exploring the confusion around my attractions, orientation and identity, I finally felt it was time for that conversation. For many years I reflected on how this dialog might go.  I just wanted them to love and accept me as their son and my new gay identity. The conversation did not go very well.  I sat by the fireplace rambling on, but they remained shut down. My hopes were quickly dashed by the lack of emotion on their faces. The topic was never brought up again. I moved out in January and for the next several years only saw my family for holidays and special occasions.

Thankfully, there has been great healing in the relationships within my family. I’m grateful God has given us this gift of reconciliation. Now having worked with so many hurting parents over the years at WGA, there are many things I wished I could have offered my mom and dad. It might have helped them process this challenging news.  Here are just a few thoughts:

The Luxury of Time to Process

A common mistake I made when disclosing was I had years to wrestle, research and react to these major decisions. I expected my parents to be emotionally “caught up” with me upon hearing the news. This doesn’t seem fair to parents in these types of situations.  They too, should have the luxury of time (without urgent expectations pressuring them) to digest the news and adapt to a new reality. How would they and our family be affected personally by my life choices?

Emotional Safe Space

Being self-focused with my own fears, I discounted my parents’ feelings in the process. If I do a little empathy work and put myself in their shoes upon hearing the pronouncement “I’m gay”—what might they be feeling?  It was only natural my parents had hopes and dreams for my future. They were entering a grieving process and should have had a safe space to feel sorrow, anger and fear. A love and acceptance of me that still honors their beliefs and convictions, would hopefully follow. Sadly, many parents’ emotions are bulldozed over in the name of “political correctness”—saying this is how you should feel. If I wanted love, respect and acceptance of my beliefs and conclusions, they deserved the same from me.

Triage: Resources, Information and Support

The moment I shared this news, it was like my parents had just been hit by my speeding car and were laying in the road bleeding.  This is an analogy I often use with families. They need some quick triage. Resources would be helpful–the first and foremost need is information and education.  What does all this really mean in regard to gender, sexuality and Christianity? I also wish my parents would have had the opportunity to hear from other families who were experiencing the same conflicts and emotions.  This would have brought them into community, rather than being isolated and in denial.

The above passage from Isaiah, encourages us to “not remember the former things”.  The coming out process is not easy for you as a parent or your child. I imagine there are many regrets on both sides. As we ground ourselves in the present situation and look forward, what new thing is God doing in you?  In your children?  In your family?  Can Where Grace Abounds be that space for you in the triage of support? Please contact us and we’d be glad to come alongside.