Reframing Celibacy for Singles….…and Marrieds??

“The best definition of celibacy, I think, is the definition of Thomas Aquinas. Thomas calls celibacy a vacancy for God. To be a celibate means to be empty for God, to be free and open for his presence, to be available for his service… I think that celibacy can never be considered as a special prerogative of a few members of the people of God. Celibacy, in its deepest sense of creating and protecting emptiness for God, is an essential part of all forms of Christian life: marriage, friendship, single life, and community life… Every relationship carries within its center a holy vacancy, a space that is for the first Love, God alone.” Henri Nouwen, Clowning in Rome

Celibacy?(Insert audible groan here)

No sex—for hours, seasons or decades?!? Not a very popular concept in a sex-saturated culture, for sure. Not even a popular concept within Christian culture. The very word when uttered emits a series of eye-rolling groans. Whether we’re speaking to a youth group, college or adult Sunday school class; you can seethe wheels turning on each face frantically figuring out how to escape this dreadful death sentence. It truly is the gift no one wants. Since God has specified definite boundaries around sexual intimacy, we as Christians also have to wrestle and reckon with this reality. Married and single folks alike are affected, but in different ways.

Now we singletons have many internal and external messages to fight against on a daily basis. Externally, there is the very loud narrative of “romance and sex” drum beating in our ears. Life just isn’t worth living if you’re not in an intense romantic or sexual relationship the culture tells us. It’s easy to feel like a quasi-mutant-person limping around looking for your “other half” to complete you. Even church culture can be unhelpful. With all the energy surrounding programs for families and children, invisible single men and women can fall through the cracks. After years of attending countless weddings, baby showers, anniversary and children’s parties—there is no communal celebration for a singleton. Of course I’ve loved joining in these milestone events. Is it a surprise that “church can feel like the loneliest place of the week” as my single friends often say?

No Sex in the City

Now I think all of us can stomach celibacy for a season, but what happens if my relational status never changes? What is it that I’m actually forgoing or surrendering to God? What was God’s intent and design for sex in the first place?

The most obvious of course is procreation. So no little Scotty’s or Scottina’s running around for me on this front. This feels like a loss (though when I hear my married friends talking about the rigors of rearing children I’m not always sorry). But another thing I’m surrendering is the union with another and the pleasure of sexual intimacy. God has wired our bodies for pleasure. Science tells us our sexual equipment has more nerve endings than any other part of our body and the big payoff is in the form of an orgasm--pretty potent stuff.

Yet, it’s not just about the physical or sexual intimacy in sex; it’s also about the emotional and relational aspects which are equally powerful. To a heart that’s starving, sharing your life with someone, feeling valued, affirmed, desired, wanted and sharing pleasure with someone can feel off the charts—wow! Aren’t those huge losses to not experience? No amount of hugs will ever compete, and sometimes there’s a loneliness that can be very prevalent with unmet longings.

For those who struggle with same-sex attractions and are trying to live according to their Christian values, this can be an even deeper and painful issue. If I’m attracted to my same gender and don’t have any inclination towards the opposite, it seems as though I’m left without any options—celibacy can feel like an involuntary, forced, dead end curse. It’s taken me decades towards a relatively peaceful place about it and with every milestone birthday, still the wrestling and grieving continues. I think validating these emotions is a good place to at least start the conversation.

Celibacy “Vacancy for God” in Marriage

For married folks, the desire is to keep sexual/emotional intimacy within the bounds of their marriage, even when someone younger, hotter or just plain more understanding saunters past. Of course, there will be seasons of celibacy within every marriage; some by choice, some not, some for noble spiritual causes and some for general grouchiness or other reasons. Ya got to survive the dry times too. Fidelity, an ongoing faithful devotion, is for the Lord first and foremost and then for one’s spouse. As Henri Nouwen so aptly puts it, marriage isn’t an end in itself—it’s enveloped within a bigger relationship.

Celibacy is an important part of marriage. This is not simply because married couples may have to live separated from each other for long periods of time. Nor is it because they need to abstain from sexual relations because of physical, mental or spiritual reasons. It is rather that the intimacy of marriage itself is an intimacy that is based on the common participation in a love greater than the love that two people can offer each other.

So, the bottom line is “no one has it easy.” There are joys and trials that come with being either single or married. Which is why I love Henri Nouwen’s quotation on the deeper essence of celibacy—creating, maintaining and protecting an emptiness for God. It’s easy to make anything an idol in our lives, whether it is a spouse, our sexuality, money, relationships, ambition, or our reputations. If we let it, this space of vacancy and emptiness can provide opportunities for intimacy in every area of our lives—with God, self and others. Let me hear your thoughts as a single or married person.

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