Back in December of 2017, Roger wrote a blog called “Please Pass the Mashed Potatoes, and by the way…I’m Gay”. In it, he puts his finger on a phenomenon that many people “come out” to family members during the holiday season. Why is that? Perhaps, since it’s the only time when the whole family is together for an extended time? Some might think that’s a good opportunity to disclose something significant. Other things families might be navigating this season is an adult child bringing home a same gender or trans “partner” for the first time. A quick Google search on why folks choose to come out during the holidays brings up quite an interesting list.
Still, I do remember the night of my “coming out,” when I nervously admitted to my mom and dad—“I’m gay”. It was a chilly November evening in 1985. After a decade of internally exploring the confusion around my attractions, orientation and identity, I finally felt it was time for that conversation. For many years I reflected on how this dialog might go. I just wanted them to love and accept me as their son and my new gay identity. The conversation did not go very well. And my admission did color the holiday season that year. The topic was never really brought up again. I moved out in January and for the next several years only saw my family ironically over the holidays and special occasions.
Why you might not be coming out?
For those who are same sex attracted or experiencing confusion around gender identity, many want to walk out a traditional sexual ethic in their faith. This means they want to follow their convictions regarding their beliefs around scripture. Specifically, things about how we care for our physical bodies or that marriage is between one man and one woman. Yet, there still might be many reasons why a person would be hesitant to disclose these conflicts within sexuality:
- There might still be unresolved guilt or shame for simply experiencing these confusing feelings
- Not wanting to disappoint close loved ones with the difficult news
- Fearing the consequences of disclosure—how will my family respond? Acceptance or a rejection?
Believe me, I understand. A mixture of this list kept me hidden for years around my sexuality. Also, the fact this list is mostly negative, means some wise counsel, processing and resolution are much needed.
Wrestling with the Realities
There is a genuine back-and-forth when it comes to deciding who, when and where to disclose this part of the story—a real wrestling match begins. Many men and women at WGA believe the sexual identity puzzle piece of “attractions” doesn’t make up their entire identity. With that in mind, if it’s not a huge part of identity, do they really need to “come out”? Especially if moving forward doesn’t include being part of the LGBTQ community, seeking a same gender partner or transitioning in some way? One nice thing when exploring these questions is it can take away the urgency of coming out and offer more time for personal reflection, seeking more resolution and how best to proceed.
On the other hand, in the wrestling match, though attractions might not be a bulk part of identity—they continue to genuinely be part of a person’s story. As in my experience mentioned above, there was a deep longing to be authentic, to be seen, to be known by family. Being accepted and loved—regardless of how I was navigating my sexuality. Isn’t this what Jesus offered to the marginalized and not so marginalized people of His time? Thank God (literally), He accepts us just as we are, the good, the bad and the ugly yet doesn’t leave us in the mess. I don’t know any parent who isn’t heartbroken knowing their kid was grappling with huge, confusing parts of themselves completely on their own.
When a person decides to jump the hurdles of fear, guilt and shame or allowing people to feel disappointment on behalf of being authentic—they’ve decided to face some possible consequences—positive and negative. Giving family their own timeline to process is what is needed at this point. See my blog “What Parents Need When Their Child Comes Out” for further reading.
Any type of personal disclosure, especially around sexuality, should be surrounded with prayer. Seeking God’s timing and how best to share. It might also be good to glean some wisdom, discussion and the prayers of others. We here at WGA are glad to offer our own experiences if needed—please let us know.
“Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process. We can’t always have guarantees in place before we risk sharing;” Brene Brown, Daring Greatly.
Scott Kingry
Program Director
A staff member since June of 1992, Scott is a key player in the WGA discipleship ministry. He plans, organizes, and implements every aspect of the Thursday night support group. In addition to public speaking, counseling group participants and training leaders, Scott maintains personal contact with many group members and it is to Scott’s credit that many group members feel personally welcomed, cared for and loved.
Although he holds a degree in graphic arts, he attributes his ministry qualifications to the “school of hard knocks.” God’s abundant grace continues to be the instrument of growth in his life, and he desires to be firmly grounded in the forgiveness and freedom of relationship with Jesus Christ.
Scott attends a Presbyterian Church.
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