Reconciliation: Loving Across the Dividing Lines

^“17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”  (2^nd Corinthians 5:16-19, NIV)

Well, living in a fallen world can make relationships of any kind challenging at times. But it’s been my experience that as we all continue to live and grow, great shifts can take place. I know I’m not the same person I was even 5 years ago. Maybe you’ve experienced a friend or family member suddenly change their political view, theology, belief system or even identity in some way? One minute you’re pretty much on the same page and the next you’re looking across a divide as if they were virtually unrecognizable.

Resolving Conflicts with Faith & Sexuality

These conflicts happen at WGA quite often, also. Good friends or close family members will shift identities, identity labels, theology or leave/change their faith, usually to resolve some deep personal conflicts between faith and sexuality. Now it seems we are at odds and go from friends to acting like frenemies. It takes a lot of work for all parties to love each other through these types of disagreements.

I’ll define “frenemy” like this: “a close friend who can act treacherously at times.” This can describe close friends (or family members) who both genuinely love one another but at times can work maliciously against each other. Hmm, doesn’t that describe all of us–-loving, compassionate and at moments hostile, vindictive, bitter or malevolent? I know I’ve acted as a frenemy at times in my relationships.

Encouraging a Place of Dialog

So how do we practically reach across these divides and love one another?  I recently lead a workshop on this very topic and created a few scenarios for the small groups to mull over and discuss.  I’d like to share a few of these storylines as you think how you might respond to a sudden “frenemy”.  But remember, we’ve all been less than loving to someone at some time—reflect on these from a humble position.  Here are ways that hurt people can respond to conflicts.

Fight

As a church leader, you hear a good friend and former congregant of your church has recently “come out”.  Not only have they left their faith, which they are very vocal about, but have also been creating many angry social media posts, naming your church as “anti-LGBTQ”, “homophobic” and “transphobic” and dangerous to the LGBTQ community.  How do you care for yourself, your congregation and love this frenemy?

Flight

A Gay couple which lives next door has grade school children that are the same ages as yours.  In an effort to genuinely “love your neighbor” you’ve become pretty good friends.  You trade off babysitting with one another, attend birthday gatherings, etc.  The children from each of your families are best buds.  They know a little bit of your faith backgrounds as Christians but haven’t really asked about it.  One day out the blue, one of the dad’s finally asks what you personally believe as a Christian about gay marriage.  Caught unaware, you give the best answer you can, which still angers the couple. They sever all relationships with your family.  They are now even more wary of Christians.  How do you love these frenemies, who are still your neighbors?

 Freeze

Your adolescent daughter who is 15, has recently come out as trans and is beginning to socially transition with adopting a male name, pronouns, hair and clothing, which gives you a pause of concern.  She is also requesting to begin cross sex hormones.  Your spouse wants to “love” your child and is completely on board with all the changes, even the hormones. You on the other hand are not on board with any of these changes and even wonder if your daughter is truly trans.  This of course is causing a great deal of tension in your marriage with opposing views on the care of your child.  How do you love this frenemy who is your spouse?

The Ministry of Reconciliation

Are you, like my workshop participants, a little overwhelmed on how you would personally move forward in a reconciling way in these scenarios? Me too. Clearly, there are no systematic formulas or easy answers in these situations. The act of reconciliation—’the restoration of friendly relations” or “the action of making one view or belief compatible with another” can be long arduous work.

On the other hand, it would be easy to say the reason we should love and reconcile with our frenemies (no matter how successfully) is cuz Jesus says to do so (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27)—which is always a good plan. But beyond this simple obedience, we follow in our Lord’s footsteps.  He walked out His ministry of reconciliation in all sorts of painful ways.  He washed Judas’ feet even though minutes later he would be betrayed. He restored Peter (speaking of frenemies) even when he denied Jesus three times. And finally, He forgave those who screamed for His crucifixion while still hanging on the cross—“forgive them Father”. How humbling.

What’s even more humbling is He forgives, loves and restores you and me, when we were not just frenemies but actual enemies—Romans 5:10-11.

Here are some practical ways to live a ministry of reconciliation:

• Work on yourself–pray for healing from brokenness and bitterness (and pray for your frenemies)
• View no one from a worldly perspective-practice empathy (put yourself in their shoes)
• Don’t fight to win-find common ground
• Be like Jesus–forgive
• Be a peacemaker–pursue unity and peace
• Be patient–it might take some time