God’s Searching Heart and My Trans Friend

“The God of the Bible looks for every human being no matter who he or she is or what he or she has done. Each person has a special place in God’s searching heart. God’s dream for our world is that every human being will come to know that place—especially those who suffer and are in deep pain.  You have a role to play in making God’s dream come true. Obviously, you cannot reach out to everyone who is suffering. But in your conversation with God, you can ask, “Lord, who falls within my care?  To whom can I bring your love?” (The Questions God Asks Us, Trevor Hudson Pg 23)

Meeting Robin

One afternoon while at work many years ago, I received a call from the Denver Rescue Mission.  What unfolded during the brief phone chat was about a person I’ll call “Robin”.  Robin was Male to Female Trans, an older senior and had just been coming off the streets through a program the Rescue Mission offers.  Part of the program was providing a mentor… someone who they would meet monthly to check in on progress, making sure the mentee was meeting financial goals and keeping stable.

“Usually, we find volunteers from churches to step in as mentors” the young woman on the phone continued, “but we’re not sure the typical church goer would know what to do with Robin.  Would you consider being her mentor?”

“Hmmm”, I thought, “I’ve never really spent a lot of time with a trans person (surprisingly considering what we do) but it’s definitely in the scope of WGA’s “coming alongside people” in their journeys around sexual and gender identity.”  Shortly after that Robin called to set up our first appointment.

It’s hard to describe Robin at our first meeting.  Six feet tall, probably late 60’s, wearing a miniskirt and thigh-high black boots… with a deep voice and large hands, Robin sadly did not really pass as a woman. Though initially startled by the outfit, I had seen many a thing in my days living in the LGBTQ community, so it quickly became “this is just Robin.” I could now see why this might be way out of the typical church goers league.

As we sat in my office getting acquainted, I found out a little more about Robin’s story.  Robin was a parent of 3 adult children and was about to become a grandparent.  The family was in various places with Robin’s recent choice to transition to female, including an ex-wife.  Some of the immediate family was supportive, others vehemently not, both sides stating their cases firmly and loudly.  The divided factions between relatives were emotionally tough on Robin.

Robin also grew up in the church but had left it (and faith) behind many years ago from being hurt and disillusioned with Christians.  I had the privilege of journeying with Robin through stages of “transitions” every month for about 2 years.  I’d like to share some things I learned through the experience.

Walking “Alongside” Robin

Do I use preferred pronouns and names?

Even though we’ve been dealing with the escalating trans phenomenon for the last several years, it’s still one of the most frequent questions we get—“Would it be right to use someone’s preferred pronouns or new name?”  One factor to consider is what level of relationship do you have with the person?  For parents with a trans child, this can be a challenging request.  They have probably prayed and agonized over what to call the child before they were born. It’s not so easy to replace a treasured name or let go of original pronouns.

I chose to use the name Robin and to use the preferred pronouns of “she/her,” because we were just getting acquainted. I wanted to build trust with the hope of having deeper conversations down the road.   I often suggest going with your own comfort when it comes to this topic.  As you can see from the paragraphs above, I’ve spoken about Robin, without using a single pronoun.  It can feel a bit clunky at times but if you’re uncomfortable using different pronouns, a name will most likely work.

Curious Compassion

I recently heard the term “curious compassion” and love it.  It perfectly describes beginning a journey with someone who might be different than you and how to get into their life and story.  Mostly what I did with Robin the first several months was to simply listen and ask curious questions. Through these questions, I learned that Robin wasn’t treated very well in her daily life. It was rare that anyone would sit next to her on the bus, and she was often called awful names by strangers.  Personally, I don’t think anyone deserves to be verbally and emotionally abused, regardless of how they are dressed or how they present.

I also found out Robin felt very displaced within her own family.  The children still called Robin “dad” at her request.  “I will always be their father,” Robin would often say during our time together.  But after a recent grandson had been born, Robin would say sadly, “Who am I going to be to this grandchild? He already has two grandmothers—what am I?”  My empathy and compassion grew for Robin more after each meeting.

One Short Opportunity

Considering Robin’s painful faith background, I treaded lightly on the topic.  One day out of the blue, Robin brought up a past story in her church background. “This is it,” I thought, “an opportunity to hopefully share a bit of God’s love.”

Once again, I listened and was at least able to say, “That should have never happened Robin…it is not God’s heart for you and I apologize on behalf of the church—I’m so sorry.”  And the moment was gone as quickly as it had arrived.  This is the only time we talked about spiritual matters, but I hope a few seeds were planted.

“To Whom Can I Bring Your Love?”

Over the last several years, Europe has been backing off on some of the trans ideology, especially transitioning kids under eighteen.  Since the U.S. is a few years behind some of the more progressive countries, America is following suit. I often remind our audiences that whatever is happening on a national or global level, is very different when a person is sitting right in front of you, and God is asking you to care for them in His name.

Like the woman in the parable who lost a coin—what does she do? She lights a lamp and sweeps the floor till she finds it.  Then rejoices with her neighbors, “I found my lost coin!” I’m grateful we have a Father who never stops seeking us out, and we get to be a part of the glorious search. Please pray for Robin and the seeds planted during our time together.